I love traveling, especially when it involves potential romantic possibilities. I had planned a nice 5 day vacation and this one included 2 possible guys. Good odds, right? WRONG.
Guy #1: Guy #1 and I used to go to high school together. We didn't really talk much during those days, however, given the many different social networking sites and forms of communications, we started talking some and hung out once, good times, so it was naturally a great idea to reconnect on my little trip to his side of the world. He was a nice guy who had nothing but compliments and nice things to say each time I spoke to him. And offering to pick me up from the airport? Sounds like a deal!
Guy #2: We met almost 5 years ago and had reconnected 2 years after that in Vegas for Valentine's Day prior to him moving out of the country. When I had first met him, I always enjoyed his company and we had a great time and he was sweet as pie. We met up in Vegas for a last hooray and at that point, I thought of that as the one and only chance I would have with him. Except, during our little getaway in Vegas I ended up with a respiratory virus the day after we arrived --which resulted in me having a ridiculously high fever to the point of being delusional, hacking up all my insides, and basically looking and feeling like death. Being the trooper that I am, and thinking this is my one and only opportunity, we ended up having sex. The most embarrassingly horrible sex of my life --all my fault, none of his. I mean, when a girl can barely breath, is sweaty with fever, delusional, and coughing up a lung while saying 'don't kiss me, I don't want to get you sick' and then falling off the side of the bed, curled up on the floor in a coughing fit is not the most attractive site either. Anyway, 3 years ago I apologized and promised to make up for it at some point in the future.
OK, let's fast forward to my "amazing" trip:
The beginning should have given me a clue as to the mess that would follow...
While standing in line waiting to board the plane, there was a grumpy woman in front of me talking to her husband who was standing behind me...naturally, I stepped away and let them stand together so she would quit talking to him through me. I heard her muttering some none sense splashed with a few choice cuss words but I didn't pay much attention. Once on the plane, I stopped to put my carry on bag in the overhead bin, and said "excuse me" as I stopped the flow of people to put up my bag. The woman mutters, "bout tiiiime you said excuuuuse me!" ---a bit confused I looked at her and advised her that she might not want to piss off people she is stuck on an aircraft with for 4 hours. I was actually a bit taken back by her attitude and the start of my trip...a little bit of a bump in the road, things will get better once I land....right?
Happy to be off the plane I texted Guy #1, "I'm here!!" I find him outside in the line of cars, he doesn't get out to put my carry on in the backseat or anything --hmm, OK, I'll let that slide. I get in the car and BAM!!! what IS that smell???? oh yes, why it must be the sweet smell of liquor! Ahhh yes, Guy #1 has come to pick me up. Drunk. Great. We were going to a friend's birthday gathering from the airport, I had emailed Guy #1 the address prior to coming so that he would get direction. But did he? Of course not. I had to call the house party to get the address and given my luck, people were already too trashed to be able to repeat their own apartment address to me. Drunk people talking gibberish over the phone, Guy #1 drunk next to me getting annoyed at the number of cops at the airport...why yes, I would call this a bit more than just a bump in the road.
After some challenges, we find our way to the house party just in time for the birthday toast. Now let me tell you something about incredibly intoxicated people and toasts --they don't mix well, at least not with the sober people. I heard the longest, most elaborate birthday toast which seemed to go on for about 20 minutes, which went down every avenue from "we've been childhood friend and I love you man" to "I love your boyfriend!!! I want to have anal sex with your boyfriend!!!" ---where I'm getting at is that this speech was horribly painful to watch and hear. Drunk Guy #1 was completely weirded out by us walking in on this never ending speech and was trying to get the hell out of the place. He asked me if there's any reason why some people at the party were under the impression that I was going home with him. I didn't bother telling him that I had told a couple of them that I might spend the night at his place if things work out well. Needless to say, picking me up drunk is not my definition of "things working out well" and so I would NOT be staying at his place. As soon as the never ending speech ended, he excused himself and left immediately.
OK, so things didn't work out with Guy #1, no biggie --there's always my Vegas Valentine's Guy #2!!!
Guy #2 was about an hour out from where I was staying. The sweet guy that he is, he offered to get me my own hotel room near the area so that I wouldn't have to worry about where to stay and could still come out to see him. Wonderful!!! We met at the metro station and immediately hit it off as before, great conversation all the way to the hotel. We checked in and he gave his debit card at the registration desk --they advised that since it was a debit card, they would have to pull out the full hotel room amount & security deposit and then refund him the security deposit upon check out. He hesitated a minute when the woman told him that, so I just offered my credit card --the woman told us that we could change it to any other card we wanted at check-out and Guy #2 said thanks and that we could just switch it to his card in the morning. Anyway, we put all my things in the room and went out for some good food, everything was going so well! Even a little mini-make out session at the hotel before going out to meet the rest of the group. He got along so well with all my friends, everyone was having a great time --so hey, why not have him stay at the hotel with me?? Perfect!!!
During the taxi ride back to the hotel I start over-thinking things --as I normally do. He had already mentioned the Vegas incident and how funny it was that I had apologized and said I'd make it up to him. But a wee-bit of a dilemma...I had zero plans on getting too close to any guy actually. I mean, I was hoping for a nice quality time spent with a boy I like, but I didn't plan on having sex with anyone! Hence the absence of a good razor in my little carry on bag I dragged all over town with me. I had spent the previous 4 nights sleeping on the floor of a family member's guest room with just 1 sheet and my towels rolled and used as a pillow...I hadn't shaved my legs, armpits or any other part of me for about 5-6 days...I felt so gross and stinky and sweaty from my long day and now I felt like I was obligated to make up for the Vegas fiasco?! Oh dear god no!!!!! That incident was so horrible that there's no way I could follow it up with stubbly-stinky-sweaty-'I don't even feel pretty'-sex!!!! AND I invited Guy #2 back to the room?!?!??!? UUGH!
I change into my little shorts & tank top and hop in bed with him. The second he goes in for the hug and touches my legs I freak out and tell him not to touch my legs cuz I haven't shaved. He didn't seemed too bothered by it, but I am the most self conscious person ever --if I don't feel "pretty" and all that stupid girly stuff, I over think it and kill it basically. So I bluntly tell him that he won't be getting laid and I hope he's OK with that. About 2 minutes after I say this, I hear light snoring and figured that it worked out well --he was tired anyway and could get to sleep. Sweet.
In the morning I was awake and I knew he was awake but neither of us was saying anything. Until I finally said it...
Me: are you annoyed?'
Guy #2: no, I'm sleeping, why would I be annoyed??
Me: '....ok....'
Guy #2: 'you mean, am I annoyed that neither of us got any oral pleasure?'
Me: [very confused by the choice of words] yes....I guess that's one way of putting it...
Guy #2: I don't care!
A couple minutes later I looked over and he had his back to me texting on his phone. After which he got up to use the bathroom and came back to put on his socks and pants. I just laid in the bed watching as he got dressed, stood over the side of the bed and said "safe travels," gave me a half-assed hug and walked out the room. I laid there in the bed trying to figure out what the hell just happened...still confused I got up and called one of my friends to come pick me up from the hotel. As I stood next to the window calling my friend, I looked out the window and realized I could watch Guy #2 walk away from the hotel....at which point it hit me, WAIT! WASN'T HE SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR THE HOTEL?!
Yes, ladies & gentlemen, I got stiffed the hotel room bill for not putting out. I have no idea why, but I felt awful for him not getting laid when he probably, in his mind, thought it was a sure thing! I felt SO bad that I figured, FINE! I'll just pay for the room, I'm sure he offered the room figuring it would automatically come with sex. I looked on the invoice slipped under the door that said the current balance was $0.00 and the charges were paid with a Visa card. OK, well I had a Visa and so did he! Maybe he DID do as he actually said and switched the cards before he left the hotel. Right??? When I went to check out I asked them what card the charges were put on, they told me they had 2 cards on file but that the charges looked like it was on my card. That's fine...I'll pay the room fee as my GUILT fee over not giving it up to a guy (if that makes ANY sense at all). I start running the whole scenario over and over in my head and called a girlfriend to tell her how I got stiffed the hotel room bill. She convinced me that I was being ridiculous feeling guilty and that I should put the charge on HIS card, especially when HE offered to get me the hotel room and HE offered to pay it anyway. YEAH! HE SHOULD PAY!!!
Back I go to the registration counter and ask if they could actually put the charges on the second card instead.
"I'm sorry ma'am, that card has been declined"
Ouch.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
The Perfect Date
Why is it so hard to find a decent guy in Los Angeles who will pay attention to every word you say? I mean REALLY pay attention...to the point where he notices that you don't touch your water at restaurants unless they bring you a straw. A man who knows all your favorite things and really puts an effort into planning a good date?
Alas, such a man DOES exist!! Saturday night I sat outside the restaurant waiting for my date to show up. To my surprise, he shows up with the most gorgeous bouquet of Lillis --they looked fake they were so beautiful & perfect! Did I mention Lillis were my favorite flowers? Ooooh and there's more!! He tells me that he has two friends, up and coming artists, who he told about me and things I enjoy and they actually did a couple original pieces of art for me since he knows that I enjoy the arts. He hands me a gift wrapped item and as I unwrap it, I see two laminated pieces of work. From children. He had his two little cousins draw pictures for me --it was me, holding a monkey (my favorite animal) in a beautiful bathroom (I have an obsession with gorgeous bathrooms). Cute. Very clever...
Well, we sit down and he tells the waitress to bring 2 waters --and 2 straws please (way to pay attention to detail! Love it!) And after a delicious meal, we walk over to his car where he tells me he has a surprise for me. A goody bag of all my favorite things. In the bag was two bottles of lotion (I have a facination with lotions), a pack of Chapstick (I'm obsessed with Chapstick), a can of bacon/bean flavored soup (I love both soup and bacon), a bag of Cheetos (mmm, yum!), and men's underwear with bananas on them (the monkey thing and my love of underwear). He tells me that he went to Victoria Secrets with a friend to buy me underwear but realized that might be a bit creepy to give me a thong for a second date--so instead went with the boxers. He had obviously put so much thought and effort into this whole date and I must say, I was VERY impressed!!!!
Who wouldn't love a guy to pay this much attention and does so much planning for a date??? It was so thoughtful! It was the perfect date............well, it would have been the perfect date had I been actually attracted to the guy.
I was hoping that seeing him again would make me like him some how and make me be more attracted to him. Instead I spent the whole time thinking, 'Man!!! I'd LOVE for a guy who I'm actually truly attracted to do all this for me!!'
As I sat on the couch sharing the bag of Cheetos with my mother and telling her the story, she said exactly what I was thinking: You have to let him down gently and tell him you appreciate the gesture, but he is just not the one for me.
Ugh. I hate these sorts of talks.
I'm so much better at just ignoring the person and hoping that it all goes away.
Call me superficial, but there are certain things that are complete deal breakers --no matter how 'nice' and 'thoughtful' and 'sweet' a guy is. Yes, obviously it would be amazing to have a man who pays attention to detail but at the same time you have to have that PASSION! I want to have the urge to JUMP my guy every time I see him...not be cringing at the thought of him touching me. I don't know...maybe I am picky. But I think picky is good --I know what I want and I won't settle for any less. Any more, that is. I think it is pretty apparent that I have let my 'standards' down given my previous relationships. But I like to think that I've learned from them all.
Perhaps writing off a guy with 1 crooked tooth was a bit harsh...but come on! I can't date someone like that! I'd spend the whole relationship staring at that ONE crooked tooth! I tried to over look it --I got to the date early at the bar just so I could save a seat to the LEFT of me so that I wouldn't have to look at the tooth on the left, but he beat me to the bar and had saved ME a seat front and center for the crooked tooth show.
And yes, yes I did stop dating the other guy who's teeth I thought were too big for his mouth--but just the thought of him trying to kiss me with the huge horse teeth.....ugh.
I know, I know...I'm awful. But what can I say, I'd rather hold out for what I really WANT rather than settle for less. Is that so wrong?
Alas, such a man DOES exist!! Saturday night I sat outside the restaurant waiting for my date to show up. To my surprise, he shows up with the most gorgeous bouquet of Lillis --they looked fake they were so beautiful & perfect! Did I mention Lillis were my favorite flowers? Ooooh and there's more!! He tells me that he has two friends, up and coming artists, who he told about me and things I enjoy and they actually did a couple original pieces of art for me since he knows that I enjoy the arts. He hands me a gift wrapped item and as I unwrap it, I see two laminated pieces of work. From children. He had his two little cousins draw pictures for me --it was me, holding a monkey (my favorite animal) in a beautiful bathroom (I have an obsession with gorgeous bathrooms). Cute. Very clever...
Well, we sit down and he tells the waitress to bring 2 waters --and 2 straws please (way to pay attention to detail! Love it!) And after a delicious meal, we walk over to his car where he tells me he has a surprise for me. A goody bag of all my favorite things. In the bag was two bottles of lotion (I have a facination with lotions), a pack of Chapstick (I'm obsessed with Chapstick), a can of bacon/bean flavored soup (I love both soup and bacon), a bag of Cheetos (mmm, yum!), and men's underwear with bananas on them (the monkey thing and my love of underwear). He tells me that he went to Victoria Secrets with a friend to buy me underwear but realized that might be a bit creepy to give me a thong for a second date--so instead went with the boxers. He had obviously put so much thought and effort into this whole date and I must say, I was VERY impressed!!!!
Who wouldn't love a guy to pay this much attention and does so much planning for a date??? It was so thoughtful! It was the perfect date............well, it would have been the perfect date had I been actually attracted to the guy.
I was hoping that seeing him again would make me like him some how and make me be more attracted to him. Instead I spent the whole time thinking, 'Man!!! I'd LOVE for a guy who I'm actually truly attracted to do all this for me!!'
As I sat on the couch sharing the bag of Cheetos with my mother and telling her the story, she said exactly what I was thinking: You have to let him down gently and tell him you appreciate the gesture, but he is just not the one for me.
Ugh. I hate these sorts of talks.
I'm so much better at just ignoring the person and hoping that it all goes away.
Call me superficial, but there are certain things that are complete deal breakers --no matter how 'nice' and 'thoughtful' and 'sweet' a guy is. Yes, obviously it would be amazing to have a man who pays attention to detail but at the same time you have to have that PASSION! I want to have the urge to JUMP my guy every time I see him...not be cringing at the thought of him touching me. I don't know...maybe I am picky. But I think picky is good --I know what I want and I won't settle for any less. Any more, that is. I think it is pretty apparent that I have let my 'standards' down given my previous relationships. But I like to think that I've learned from them all.
Perhaps writing off a guy with 1 crooked tooth was a bit harsh...but come on! I can't date someone like that! I'd spend the whole relationship staring at that ONE crooked tooth! I tried to over look it --I got to the date early at the bar just so I could save a seat to the LEFT of me so that I wouldn't have to look at the tooth on the left, but he beat me to the bar and had saved ME a seat front and center for the crooked tooth show.
And yes, yes I did stop dating the other guy who's teeth I thought were too big for his mouth--but just the thought of him trying to kiss me with the huge horse teeth.....ugh.
I know, I know...I'm awful. But what can I say, I'd rather hold out for what I really WANT rather than settle for less. Is that so wrong?
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The Wing Woman
This single-hood is getting more ridiculous by the day...does this happen to everyone or is it just me? Please tell me that everyone has gotten a guy's tongue jabbed in their eye at SOME point? Numerous times? ...no? oh....
Well, since the last posting the online dating site subscription has expired. Thank god. I feel so free from it now actually. I hate those kinds of awkward blind date type scenerios! It's like going on countless first job interviews. Towards the end I decided to go for guys I wouldn't normally go for --come on, give the "nice" guys a chance, maybe their personalities will win me over. Nice guys are like fungus ---initially you aren't attracted to them, but you just have to wait around long enough for them to eventually grow on you.
Some women want a guy to do anything and everything the woman wants to do, to agree with everything she says, to worship the ground she walks on! For me, that actually bothers me a little --especially when he doesn't even know me! How can you tell me how amazing I am when you've talked to me for a total of 10 minutes?! That's just so superficial and purely physical. And if I don't want to rip your clothes off and jump you when I see you ---I'm automatically out. If that sexual attraction isn't there, I don't really care how "nice" you are! Face it, this is probably the best you will ever look, it is all down hill from here! So if I wouldn't want you to touch me now, it probably isn't going anywhere. And the girly-men??? Oh gosh no!!! I want my guy to be kind and sweet ---but at the same time look like he could take down a bear and fight off burglars.
Anyway, so aside from all that ramblings...obviously since I have no potential guys in MY radar at the moment, what's the next best thing? Help out my girl friends with their men issues.
Yes, Wing woman.
I try to help my girls out as much as possible --sure, I'll take one for the team....up to a certain point. When the guy is so drunk that he french kisses my EYE instead of my mouth ---several times---that's when I call it quits. And what do you think is the most efficient way to get a guy (no matter how drunk he is) is to step off? Easy!!! One simple sentence:
"Oh gosh....I really could use a new tampon right about now...."
Very sobering.
Well, since the last posting the online dating site subscription has expired. Thank god. I feel so free from it now actually. I hate those kinds of awkward blind date type scenerios! It's like going on countless first job interviews. Towards the end I decided to go for guys I wouldn't normally go for --come on, give the "nice" guys a chance, maybe their personalities will win me over. Nice guys are like fungus ---initially you aren't attracted to them, but you just have to wait around long enough for them to eventually grow on you.
Some women want a guy to do anything and everything the woman wants to do, to agree with everything she says, to worship the ground she walks on! For me, that actually bothers me a little --especially when he doesn't even know me! How can you tell me how amazing I am when you've talked to me for a total of 10 minutes?! That's just so superficial and purely physical. And if I don't want to rip your clothes off and jump you when I see you ---I'm automatically out. If that sexual attraction isn't there, I don't really care how "nice" you are! Face it, this is probably the best you will ever look, it is all down hill from here! So if I wouldn't want you to touch me now, it probably isn't going anywhere. And the girly-men??? Oh gosh no!!! I want my guy to be kind and sweet ---but at the same time look like he could take down a bear and fight off burglars.
Anyway, so aside from all that ramblings...obviously since I have no potential guys in MY radar at the moment, what's the next best thing? Help out my girl friends with their men issues.
Yes, Wing woman.
I try to help my girls out as much as possible --sure, I'll take one for the team....up to a certain point. When the guy is so drunk that he french kisses my EYE instead of my mouth ---several times---that's when I call it quits. And what do you think is the most efficient way to get a guy (no matter how drunk he is) is to step off? Easy!!! One simple sentence:
"Oh gosh....I really could use a new tampon right about now...."
Very sobering.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Ghost from the Past
Adolescence is a strange time. Some times when I think back on things I wore, things I did, and the things I got myself into----it's pretty amazing that at that time I thought there was nothing wrong with it. I mean, come on now, what's wrong with dating a drug dealer at a very very young age?? I thought I was hot shit. Sitting on my guy's lap in a FUBU jersey at a pool party where no one went in the water and everyone played dominoes being called "baby boo" --isn't that what everyone else was doing at that age? Anyway, that didn't end so well ---it got to the point where cops were pulling my mother over in the streets to tell her she needs to get me to stop hanging out with this guy. Yeah, that bad. To me though? "he's so NICE" --up until one day it all clicked in my head --"WTF am I DOING?!?" and that was the end of that. Never looked back.
That was 11 years ago. Yesterday I walked out of my parents' house and this blue shiny brand new BMW was stopped at the stop sign, "Hey girl..." I look over and wow, a ghost from the past. Guess who has 3 children, is a COP now, and guess what --lives around the block from me. Wow. Um...married for 8 years but not in a happy marriage and started giving me the "I should have been a better person 10 years ago" crap. So strange --I was just standing there listening to him talk and looking at him thinking, WTF did I see in this guy?!?!?! Sheesh!!!
The second he gives me a hug goodbye, my parents pull up to the house and give the best stink eye ever. And the first thing out of their mouths the next morning was, "what was that drug dealer doing outside the house??"
great.
some things should just be left in the past....and not live around the block.
Gross.
Every time an ex-boyfriend comes out of the wood-works and pokes their ugly head in my life, one song plays in my head: "You Keep Me Hanging On" by the Supremes
That was 11 years ago. Yesterday I walked out of my parents' house and this blue shiny brand new BMW was stopped at the stop sign, "Hey girl..." I look over and wow, a ghost from the past. Guess who has 3 children, is a COP now, and guess what --lives around the block from me. Wow. Um...married for 8 years but not in a happy marriage and started giving me the "I should have been a better person 10 years ago" crap. So strange --I was just standing there listening to him talk and looking at him thinking, WTF did I see in this guy?!?!?! Sheesh!!!
The second he gives me a hug goodbye, my parents pull up to the house and give the best stink eye ever. And the first thing out of their mouths the next morning was, "what was that drug dealer doing outside the house??"
great.
some things should just be left in the past....and not live around the block.
Gross.
Every time an ex-boyfriend comes out of the wood-works and pokes their ugly head in my life, one song plays in my head: "You Keep Me Hanging On" by the Supremes
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Benefits of Singlehood...
When you're single, you don't have to worry about situation like this one.
Friend : i have the best story ever
Me: me too
Me: you go first
Friend: ok
Friend: so last night i was talking to my friend's roommate
Friend: one of his girl-friends (just a friend) confided in him about her really bad breakup
Friend: she went to the doctor because she had a really strange rash and blisters on her JJ and all around her mouth
Me: oh nooooooo
Friend: but it was weird and of course she freaked out b/c her bf had it doo
Friend: so she goes to the doctor
Me: OH NOOOO
Friend: and they're baffled
Me: herpes?
Friend: it is all the signs of an std, but it wasn't anything they had seen before in someone like her.....
Friend: so he asks her
Friend: brace yourself
Friend: "are you ever around dead people?"
Me: ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Friend: and she's like... um......... excuse me??
Me: EH?!?!?!?!?!?
Friend: and he said that they tested her vagina, and she had a rare form of mite infestation that only grows on dead people
Friend: so she is like, um no....
Friend: and then she's like
Friend: oh wait
Friend: my boyfriend works at the hospital’s morgue
Me: ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Friend: !!!!!!!!!
Me: FUCKING GROSS
Me: DUDE
Me: EUUU
Me: HOLY SHIT
Friend: her boyfriend was banging the dead people
Me: IM GONNA VOMIT
Me: HOLY FUCK
Me: SHUT THE HELL UP
Friend and it is only transmitted through sex
Friend: or close friction/contact
Me: LOL
Me: JESUS
Friend: that's the best story ever right?
Me: wow
Me : um
Friend: so she dumps him, tells her close friends and then tells other people b/c she's so pissed off she had to let ppl know how fucked up he is
Me: lol
Me: jesus....
Friend: ok you're turn
Me: fuck that
Me: my story is nothing compared to that
Friend : i have the best story ever
Me: me too
Me: you go first
Friend: ok
Friend: so last night i was talking to my friend's roommate
Friend: one of his girl-friends (just a friend) confided in him about her really bad breakup
Friend: she went to the doctor because she had a really strange rash and blisters on her JJ and all around her mouth
Me: oh nooooooo
Friend: but it was weird and of course she freaked out b/c her bf had it doo
Friend: so she goes to the doctor
Me: OH NOOOO
Friend: and they're baffled
Me: herpes?
Friend: it is all the signs of an std, but it wasn't anything they had seen before in someone like her.....
Friend: so he asks her
Friend: brace yourself
Friend: "are you ever around dead people?"
Me: ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Friend: and she's like... um......... excuse me??
Me: EH?!?!?!?!?!?
Friend: and he said that they tested her vagina, and she had a rare form of mite infestation that only grows on dead people
Friend: so she is like, um no....
Friend: and then she's like
Friend: oh wait
Friend: my boyfriend works at the hospital’s morgue
Me: ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Friend: !!!!!!!!!
Me: FUCKING GROSS
Me: DUDE
Me: EUUU
Me: HOLY SHIT
Friend: her boyfriend was banging the dead people
Me: IM GONNA VOMIT
Me: HOLY FUCK
Me: SHUT THE HELL UP
Friend and it is only transmitted through sex
Friend: or close friction/contact
Me: LOL
Me: JESUS
Friend: that's the best story ever right?
Me: wow
Me : um
Friend: so she dumps him, tells her close friends and then tells other people b/c she's so pissed off she had to let ppl know how fucked up he is
Me: lol
Me: jesus....
Friend: ok you're turn
Me: fuck that
Me: my story is nothing compared to that
Monday, May 18, 2009
Dave
I always wonder, when someone asks you "how was your day?" do they want the REAL answer? or just the generic "good, how was yours?" reply ---well, I think my date last night would have rather gone with the generic answer.
In my adventures in dating, I try not to censor myself ---I feel that I should be myself with nothing holding me back and would hope that the other person would do the same. No games. But again, I look at some of the things that happen to me that makes me think, just maybe I should keep certain things to myself and not share so much.
I had made plans to go out with Dave Saturday night. I had not called to confirm the date yet and I assumed the perfect time to call and confirm was while waiting impatiently outside of a friend's house waiting for her to come down so that we could meet up with some friends. One of my pet peeves is when people are not ready in a timely manner. As I dialed and the phone began to ring, I thought to myself, this is not the best time to be calling him ---first conversation with this guy and I'm calling him as I sit in my car annoyed.
"Hello?"
"Hi Dave it's me."
"Well, hi! How are you? What are you doing"
[here is when your internal censor should kick in, granted it's the first EVER conversation with this guy]
"Well, I'm sitting outside in my f*cking car waiting for this damn girl to get her f*cking ass out here. I hate it when people take too f*cking long to get out of their house. Oh great, here she comes...I gotta go, just confirming for tomorrow night. I'll see you then. Bye"
Then it hit me ---perhaps not the best first impression. Shit.
Well, there was still some hope for this one. Moments later I get a text from him, "Props for calling and cursing like a sailor." Ok...we're still on. We're good.
I ended up having a rough morning the next day and almost cancelled the date ---first dates after a long harsh day = not very fun and doesn't showcase you at your best. What do I mean by harsh? I mean being woken up early morning by your credit card company hassling you about payments that you had already made but was not registered in their 'system' and having to explain it to twelve different agents. Yes, 12, you didn't read that wrong. It means going out with your elderly grandmother who has an 'accident' out in the public bathrooms which results in you having to clean feces. Yes, I said it. Feces. So...trust me when I said I had a rough morning.
I arrived at the restaurant just on time and met Dave at the bar. Cute. And my cursing rampage seemed to have workd, he was ceratinly there on time. Hug, take a seat, waiter brings out the water and things begin to go down hill.
Such an innocent question ---I'm sure he didn't expect me to answer as I did.
"So...how has your day been?"
I tried. I really did. I tried so hard to hold my tongue and not start rambling about it all. The 12 people working at the call center somewhere in India calling me about my credit card payments. The poop. Oh god, yes, the poop.
After a long pause, I realized I just can't keep quiet. It's just not my style. I can't hold back...
"I was hoping you wouldn't ask me...but now that you have, I have to tell you..."
and on I went for about 15 minutes. The credit card. The poop. The smell. The cleaning. I spared no details.
By the time I was done with my rant, the food arrived at our table and it hite me: my first time ever speaking to this guy, I blew up with numerous F-bombs and here I was talking about wiping poop off of an elderly person in a handicap stall of the bathrooms at Costco --all before we ate. Great.
I apologized about the excessive details of the poop. We got through dinner and he seemed to have been trying really hard to speed everything along. I didn't blame him.
As I got in my car I was thinking: things come in threes. Credit card issue. Poop. I was waiting for one more.
Ah yes, and there it was. An earthquake.
The perfect ending to a perfect date.
Great.
Or so I though ----I got home to find the biggest piece of the greenest possible thing in our food stuck in my front tooth. Really? How do you NOT tell someone when they have such a huge green thing stuck in their teeth?! For god's sake it must have been there for an hour by the time I got home!! Just for that, I don't feel bad talking about poop in detail before dinner.
In my adventures in dating, I try not to censor myself ---I feel that I should be myself with nothing holding me back and would hope that the other person would do the same. No games. But again, I look at some of the things that happen to me that makes me think, just maybe I should keep certain things to myself and not share so much.
I had made plans to go out with Dave Saturday night. I had not called to confirm the date yet and I assumed the perfect time to call and confirm was while waiting impatiently outside of a friend's house waiting for her to come down so that we could meet up with some friends. One of my pet peeves is when people are not ready in a timely manner. As I dialed and the phone began to ring, I thought to myself, this is not the best time to be calling him ---first conversation with this guy and I'm calling him as I sit in my car annoyed.
"Hello?"
"Hi Dave it's me."
"Well, hi! How are you? What are you doing"
[here is when your internal censor should kick in, granted it's the first EVER conversation with this guy]
"Well, I'm sitting outside in my f*cking car waiting for this damn girl to get her f*cking ass out here. I hate it when people take too f*cking long to get out of their house. Oh great, here she comes...I gotta go, just confirming for tomorrow night. I'll see you then. Bye"
Then it hit me ---perhaps not the best first impression. Shit.
Well, there was still some hope for this one. Moments later I get a text from him, "Props for calling and cursing like a sailor." Ok...we're still on. We're good.
I ended up having a rough morning the next day and almost cancelled the date ---first dates after a long harsh day = not very fun and doesn't showcase you at your best. What do I mean by harsh? I mean being woken up early morning by your credit card company hassling you about payments that you had already made but was not registered in their 'system' and having to explain it to twelve different agents. Yes, 12, you didn't read that wrong. It means going out with your elderly grandmother who has an 'accident' out in the public bathrooms which results in you having to clean feces. Yes, I said it. Feces. So...trust me when I said I had a rough morning.
I arrived at the restaurant just on time and met Dave at the bar. Cute. And my cursing rampage seemed to have workd, he was ceratinly there on time. Hug, take a seat, waiter brings out the water and things begin to go down hill.
Such an innocent question ---I'm sure he didn't expect me to answer as I did.
"So...how has your day been?"
I tried. I really did. I tried so hard to hold my tongue and not start rambling about it all. The 12 people working at the call center somewhere in India calling me about my credit card payments. The poop. Oh god, yes, the poop.
After a long pause, I realized I just can't keep quiet. It's just not my style. I can't hold back...
"I was hoping you wouldn't ask me...but now that you have, I have to tell you..."
and on I went for about 15 minutes. The credit card. The poop. The smell. The cleaning. I spared no details.
By the time I was done with my rant, the food arrived at our table and it hite me: my first time ever speaking to this guy, I blew up with numerous F-bombs and here I was talking about wiping poop off of an elderly person in a handicap stall of the bathrooms at Costco --all before we ate. Great.
I apologized about the excessive details of the poop. We got through dinner and he seemed to have been trying really hard to speed everything along. I didn't blame him.
As I got in my car I was thinking: things come in threes. Credit card issue. Poop. I was waiting for one more.
Ah yes, and there it was. An earthquake.
The perfect ending to a perfect date.
Great.
Or so I though ----I got home to find the biggest piece of the greenest possible thing in our food stuck in my front tooth. Really? How do you NOT tell someone when they have such a huge green thing stuck in their teeth?! For god's sake it must have been there for an hour by the time I got home!! Just for that, I don't feel bad talking about poop in detail before dinner.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Come on...give online dating a chance Part 2
Subject: $3000 a month...
Body: just wondering if you could use an extra $3000 a month? let me know, i'll explain...
[sent twice at different times of the day...]
me: 2 messages in one day? this should be interesting...humor me, do tell.
him: take a deep breath k? i'm soo not trying to offend you so please dont take it the wrong way. so here's my story...I'm a business owner that works long, long hours during the week which leaves me little to no time for myself or for a halfway normal social life. Its just not easy to date and go out nowadays. You and I know you're getting bombarded by total tools, losers and donkeys on here and that dating is both time and energy consuming. I’m looking for a mutually beneficial “arrangement.” Nothing too heavy, serious, complicated or dramatic. I know its pretty forward and blunt but we're both adults here and who has the time to play games and deal with drama right? My work is my biggest priority not dating. I recently got out of a long term relationship and the last thing I’m looking for is someone clingy and too attached. I'd always respect you and your private life. I just cant do the "conventional dating" thing or club scene anymore. I’m really not looking for any of the headaches, mind games, or drama of the conventional relationship. You've probably got plenty going on, this way you can concentrate on the things that really matter or that youre passionate about all w/o having to worry about bills and finances. Who loses here right?
Its a win-win situation.I'm just looking for a "friends with benefits" scenario, no strings attached... see you 1-2 times a week, discreet, respectful, and safe for $3000 a month. I'll even throw in a $1000 gift cert to Nordstroms if you're interested. I think you look great...I met a girl over a year ago and we had a similiar "arrangement" but she just graduated and is now working for an investment firm in SF. Let me know.me: that's cute. good luck with your search.
REALLY?!?!?! WTF..............and to think my exes were gettin it for free all these years... =P
Come on...give online dating a chance Part 1
it's amazing what complete bullshit CRAP guys will email complete strangers in hopes of a cheap lay...i was deeply amused by this one and thought I'd share.
Subject: baby, do you like brown sugar?
Body: hi sexy let the line of time evaporate the stress of the pillow talk of x boyfriends and let me shine throught your window like new sun light to off set the moon light that has kept the currents of our love making at the peak of no return ....because i need you like the sky needs the the sun only find that friends are for ever in one day don't let it pass away like the seasons of summer,spring, and fall while holding hands admist the waterfalls with my intentions of getting wet i'm happy with just a hug and a kiss....i can't explain the way i feel like a child with candy on top of sugar hill waiting on the sun to set.and the day we make eye contact......
my response: HAHHAHAHAHA for reals?!?! you've GOT to be kidding me right?! who takes THAT seriously?! thank you for the laugh.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The Case of the Shrunken Feet
[10:00] Friend: hello
[10:01] Me: hiiii
[10:01] Friend: how's work?
[10:06] Me: errrr....im in a funk & my memory is shit today
[10:08] Me: because of a stupid non-working street light, i was 30 mins late to work, 15 mins late to a conference call & then i had airhead moments (big ones!) within 10 mins...
[10:08] Me: Oh and my feet shrunk...apparently I'm wearing magical thigh high stockings that make my feet 2 sizes too small so now the same shoes I wore yesterday are way too big for my shrunken feet and I can't even walk in them
[10:08] Me: it's not a good morning
[10:09] Friend: i wish my feet would shrink!
[10:09] Me: so yes...rough day
[10:10] Me: so the plan was to wear a cute dress to make myself feel better, about myself...and then i had the shrunken feet issue which makes me not walk right in the shoes and look like a retard instead
[10:15] Me: oh and i realized my parents were old last night
[10:15] Me: and that depressed me
[10:15] Friend: hahahhah you thought they were young?
[10:15] Me: and i realized that they were already married around the age me and my sis are
[10:15] Me: so they're disappointed there's no marriage in my near future
[10:15] Me: and THAT was annoying
[10:15] Friend: well it's a different time, my parents were married with two kids by the time they were my age
[10:16] Me: UGH
[10:16] Me: i feel like a train wreck of guilt trips
[10:40] Me: BRB im gonna see if i can make it to the bathroom down the hall with my ginormous shoes and tiny feet
[10:41] Friend: good luck
[10:47] Me: yeah *note to self* don't flush with my foot when i cant even keep my shoe ON my foot
[10:47] Me: *sigh* close call of losing a shoe in the toilet filled with pee
[10:48] Me: this day keep getting better & better....
[11:39] Friend: lol hahhahahah oh my god! you really should be writing this shit on your blog thing!
[11:41] Me: hah oh yeah, hu?....
Within hours of this conversation I got a run in the "magical" thigh high stockings and the strapless bra needed for the "cute dress" was pinching my side and was so uncomfortable I had to take it off and store it in my purse at my desk for the remainder of the work day.
Happy Hump Day.
[10:01] Me: hiiii
[10:01] Friend: how's work?
[10:06] Me: errrr....im in a funk & my memory is shit today
[10:08] Me: because of a stupid non-working street light, i was 30 mins late to work, 15 mins late to a conference call & then i had airhead moments (big ones!) within 10 mins...
[10:08] Me: Oh and my feet shrunk...apparently I'm wearing magical thigh high stockings that make my feet 2 sizes too small so now the same shoes I wore yesterday are way too big for my shrunken feet and I can't even walk in them
[10:08] Me: it's not a good morning
[10:09] Friend: i wish my feet would shrink!
[10:09] Me: so yes...rough day
[10:10] Me: so the plan was to wear a cute dress to make myself feel better, about myself...and then i had the shrunken feet issue which makes me not walk right in the shoes and look like a retard instead
[10:15] Me: oh and i realized my parents were old last night
[10:15] Me: and that depressed me
[10:15] Friend: hahahhah you thought they were young?
[10:15] Me: and i realized that they were already married around the age me and my sis are
[10:15] Me: so they're disappointed there's no marriage in my near future
[10:15] Me: and THAT was annoying
[10:15] Friend: well it's a different time, my parents were married with two kids by the time they were my age
[10:16] Me: UGH
[10:16] Me: i feel like a train wreck of guilt trips
[10:40] Me: BRB im gonna see if i can make it to the bathroom down the hall with my ginormous shoes and tiny feet
[10:41] Friend: good luck
[10:47] Me: yeah *note to self* don't flush with my foot when i cant even keep my shoe ON my foot
[10:47] Me: *sigh* close call of losing a shoe in the toilet filled with pee
[10:48] Me: this day keep getting better & better....
[11:39] Friend: lol hahhahahah oh my god! you really should be writing this shit on your blog thing!
[11:41] Me: hah oh yeah, hu?....
Within hours of this conversation I got a run in the "magical" thigh high stockings and the strapless bra needed for the "cute dress" was pinching my side and was so uncomfortable I had to take it off and store it in my purse at my desk for the remainder of the work day.
Happy Hump Day.
Well hello again old friend...
I was talking to a friend at work today about some randomness in my life and she suggested I should put it in my blog ---which reminded me I had a blog!! [I will post the conversation in a separate entry] I was just reading my old 2007 posts and seeing where I left off...
Well...yes, I did get dumped the night before my birthday in 2007 and the morning after a semi-truck backed into my car at a gas station. It was a great birthday. Well, being the smart girl that I am [insert sarcasm here], I ended up back with the same guy up until about February of 2008. From about October-February it wasn't really a relationship --it was obvious it was coming to an end. My aunt died of breast cancer in September of 2008 and it was really really tough on me --he was nice enough to keep his cheating ways hidden until I was in better shape to take it. He decided to make the decision on ending our relationship for me by finding a Japanese girl on a website, cheat on me, and about a year after finding her on the site --I hear they are now engaged. Whoopdy-doo!
After you go back and forth with the same relationship numerous times and realize you've finally had ENOUGH --it's easy to let go. It doesn't hurt to think of the Japanese girl to make you curse the guy either. So...enough about that --here's what came of that: Single Life. For real this time!!
You have two options after a break-up: (1) whore it up!!!!! or (2) focus on yourself
First I thought the first option might be a good one for a little while --I met a guy that I thought was sexy, funny, amazing at an ex-boyfriend's party (an old ex, not the recent one) --wait, did I mention I was mildly drunk? He said something nice, I liked the attention...as they say "yada yada yada." I was so excited to have met this new awesome guy, so we decided to hang out again, minus the alcohol --I wore a super cute outfit that day and met up at his place after work to decide what to do. Well...let's just say that this made me go back to my original idea I had had after the break-up: "NO RELATIONSHIPS OR SEX FOR ONE FULL YEAR!!!"
To sum it up, (1) me dressed super cute --heels and all (2) boy --NOT as cute as I remembered him after 5 beers playing video games sitting on the couch:
me: "so where do you want to go eat?"
him: "well...I went out for lunch...let's just eat here...I have some cereal above the fridge"
me: "oh...."
So I whored it up one last time, of course after finishing my Captain Crunch, and left. That night, for once (ok maybe the 4th time) in my life, I decided to make the right decision.: Focus on myself. I decided that I wouldn't date anyone for a year --no dating, no sex, no deep relationships with the opposite sex. For one full year.
That was February of 2008.
Well...yes, I did get dumped the night before my birthday in 2007 and the morning after a semi-truck backed into my car at a gas station. It was a great birthday. Well, being the smart girl that I am [insert sarcasm here], I ended up back with the same guy up until about February of 2008. From about October-February it wasn't really a relationship --it was obvious it was coming to an end. My aunt died of breast cancer in September of 2008 and it was really really tough on me --he was nice enough to keep his cheating ways hidden until I was in better shape to take it. He decided to make the decision on ending our relationship for me by finding a Japanese girl on a website, cheat on me, and about a year after finding her on the site --I hear they are now engaged. Whoopdy-doo!
After you go back and forth with the same relationship numerous times and realize you've finally had ENOUGH --it's easy to let go. It doesn't hurt to think of the Japanese girl to make you curse the guy either. So...enough about that --here's what came of that: Single Life. For real this time!!
You have two options after a break-up: (1) whore it up!!!!! or (2) focus on yourself
First I thought the first option might be a good one for a little while --I met a guy that I thought was sexy, funny, amazing at an ex-boyfriend's party (an old ex, not the recent one) --wait, did I mention I was mildly drunk? He said something nice, I liked the attention...as they say "yada yada yada." I was so excited to have met this new awesome guy, so we decided to hang out again, minus the alcohol --I wore a super cute outfit that day and met up at his place after work to decide what to do. Well...let's just say that this made me go back to my original idea I had had after the break-up: "NO RELATIONSHIPS OR SEX FOR ONE FULL YEAR!!!"
To sum it up, (1) me dressed super cute --heels and all (2) boy --NOT as cute as I remembered him after 5 beers playing video games sitting on the couch:
me: "so where do you want to go eat?"
him: "well...I went out for lunch...let's just eat here...I have some cereal above the fridge"
me: "oh...."
So I whored it up one last time, of course after finishing my Captain Crunch, and left. That night, for once (ok maybe the 4th time) in my life, I decided to make the right decision.: Focus on myself. I decided that I wouldn't date anyone for a year --no dating, no sex, no deep relationships with the opposite sex. For one full year.
That was February of 2008.
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